The Bugle Index Page
A group of hardore Buglers decided one day to go through each Bugle and list down the the memorable jokes, phrases, puns, and moments of the Bugle. Now this dream is becoming a reality. After the list of recurring jokes and characters, there is a summary of each issue of the Bugle. Long and/or memorable jokes, segments and quotes have the start time next to them. This area needs work - many Bugle issues are still unaccounted for and we are told it's not safe for them to be out there on their own. If you find any lost Bugles, shivering in an alleyway looking cold and alone, try to bring them home safe. But remember the 3 basic Bugle Safety Rules: 1. Do not expose Bugles or Bugle hosts to sunlight, for they are pasty and British and therefore fear the sun, 2. Do not feed facts to a Bugle after midnight, it gives them rumbly tummies, 3. Do not ask John to complete the Audio Cryptic Crossword. Recurring Jokes/Characters *The American : Ep. 2, 7, 14, 15, 19, 23, 27, 33, 42, 50, 55, 63, 87, 99, 109, 139, 158a *Producer Tom : Ep 115 (blamed for email problem), 120 *Producer Chris : Ep 115, Recent Decents May 2010, 116, 117, 119 *Pun runs : Ep. 48, 114 (Tennis Puns), 117 (Dog Puns), 126 (Pasta Puns), 133 (Asian Country Puns), 155 (Religious Puns), 162 (Philosopher Puns), 170 and 171 (Greek Puns), 172 (Latin Writers), 182 (Dickens Puns), 190 (Expressionistic Puns), 208 (Fish Puns), 213 (US Presidential Puns), 244 (Russian Puns), 247 (Philosopher Puns), 277 (Tree Puns), 280 (Chinese Puns) *John Singing : Ep.14, 33, 80.5 (Regulate) 85 (Holding Out for a Hero), 93 (Build Me Up Buttercup), 100 (Enter Sandman), 113 (Puppy Love), 114 (Anarchy in the UK), 117 (Reprise of Build Me Up Buttercup), 126 (Let's Talk About Sex), 154 (Bump n' Grind)... *Andy calling Jesus guilty : Ep. 4 *The Audio Cryptic Crossword *John's film career. *Things that look like a penis (or other genitalia) : Ep 116, 119 *Andy uses his classics degree : Ep 115 *Andy's offspring and/or parenting : Ep 116 *John meets a celebrity and/or talks about a Daily Show shoot : Ep 48, 116, 117, 118 *Andy is a Bad Jew. *Andy's bin. *Hotties from History : Ep 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21A, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 44.1, 46, 47, 49, 58, Recent Decents May 2010 *Sportsmen Acting Crazy **Plaxico Burress **Chad Ochocinco **Delonte West ** Mario Balotelli *Crazy or Corrupt World Leaders **Mahmoud Ahmadinejad **Silvio Berlusconi: Ep 115 **Hugo Chavez : Ep 5, 7 **Colonel Gaddafi **Kim Jong-il and/or Kim Jong-un: Ep 116, 119 **Hosni Mubarak **Robert Mugabe: Ep 116 *Listener emails : unusual experiences while listening to the Bugle. *Fuckeulogy. *The Soundproof Safe. *The Gospel according to St Bullshit : Ep 137 (St Shelley) *Listener music remixes. Issue 1: How like Vietnam is Iraq? *"If you really want to know how many balls it takes to say Iraq is like Vietnam, it takes 3 balls." -John *"There are more suicides during party conferences than at any other time of the year. That is a lie, but my point stands." -Andy *"A lot of people marry for love, I think this is weak..." -Andy ...10:01 *Armenia and the Genocide that wasn't ...12:13 *Andy's missing bin in the letter of St. Paul ...13:46 *"The issue of human rights is more difficult than before because there are more humans in the world, but unfortunately there are the same numbers of rights to go around, so don't blame the government, blame maths." -Andy *Crisp manufacturers putting too much salt in crisps ...22:27 *One song ipod ...24:24 *Terrorist literature choice ...26:34 Issue 2: The Empire Strikes Back *"Britain did far, far worse things than America could even dream of doing, but we did it with a certain gentlemanly swagger." -John *Antarctica fact box *"We claimed we were going in there for scientific research, we just want to scientifically research how much oil we can get out of there, and maybe scientifically research how much money we can get paid for that oil. I don't see what's so hard for them to understand, there are going to be graphs. There are going to be graphs." -Andy *Swearing Spectacular *First appearance of The American ...15:00 *Johnny Wilkinson RWC world cup commentary ...23:36 *Woles first appearance for the Tantrum Throwing Competition ...25:44 Issue 3: California's Burning *'Main story' : Global Warming is unamerican ...2:03 *Al Gore, Ruler of the Earth ...3:07﻿ *"These are the greatest days for exaggerations in the history of planet earth" -John *Andy's first exchange rate joke ...8:05 *"Like a hungry South African carnivore spotting a sausage shop down a side street, things have taken a turn for the wurst" -Andy's first Pun. *Belt Busting Breakfast Burrito ...13:50 *Martin Yole's unbelievable Pressure routine ...20:19﻿ Issue 4: Immigrant's Song *'Main story' : Immigration Everywhere ...1:55-12:18 **Tabloids reporting on a woman smuggling in immigrants in her stomach ...3:22 **Immigration factbox ...5:10 *Writer's Guild of America strike : Andy makes a joke, is labelled a scab ...14:20 *Donald Rumsfeld's snowflakes / bumper stickers ...15:22 *'Bugle Comment!' : Westboro Baptist Church picketing soldier's funerals, bigotry tax ...19:25 **"This raises a very interesting question: do they hate gay people? Yes, yes they do. I think they've proven that time and time again. Do they hate gay people to the tune of $11 million dollars? Well now, that is really something to think about. Does your hate have a price?" -John *'Bugle News feature' on Fuel/Biofuel/Alternative Energy ...21:17 **"In Britain, we've always been pioneers of alternative energies and we were the first nation in the world to use Catholics as a fuel. Fact." -Andy *First instance of Andy calling Jesus guilty. *'Travel Supplement!' : Why not visit Pakistan this week? ...29:00 Issue 5: 110 Per Cent Behind Musharraf *Bush tells Musharaf to relinquish control of the army ...3:52 *Musharaf sarcastic slamming ...4:40 *Pakistan quiz ...5:15 *"What part of gift of democracy are these people struggling to understand?!" -John *Andy's first suggestive compliment of the Queen ...9:17 *"It is the Queen's English, let's remember, if she wants it to sound nasal and boring, nasal and boring it must sound." -John *''Who is going to be more British'': whether the Queen's speech is delivered in the House of Lords or the House of Commons. John wins, tells Andy he is 'basically French'. ...10:16 *Second exchange rate joke ...13:34 *"You can't put a price on a statement like that, Andy. Well you can, and the price is £240,000 pounds." -John on Tony Blair's speech in China. *King Juan Carlos of Spain tells Hugo Chavez to shut up ...15:24 *Food scares and dangerous toys ...16:23 *Date Rape Toys ...18:42 *Total and Utter Fighting Championships ...26:54 Issue 6: OPEC: Let's talk oil and fiery rhetoric *Writer's strike in America *Rap and currency ...4:15 *Alternative energies, IPCC report on climate change ...6:04 *Australian power stations ...8:34 *Saudi justice: a rape victim is sentenced to 6 months in jail and 200 lashes for being in an unrelated man's car ...9:33 *Bicycle offender: a man was put on sex offender's register for attempting to fornicate with his bicycle "in the privacy of his own room". **John- "Are you telling me that in Britain, in the 21st century, you're not allowed to bang your own bicycle?" **Andy- "You're not, yeah. And as Tom our producer just pointed out, not only is it one of the ten commandments, it's also part of the highway code." **John- "That makes sense." *Japanese whaling ...12:50 *Bugle appeals section: John's attempt at making bolognese ...14:18 *The American, and therefore all of America, is spending Thanksgiving out of town ...17:40 *'Emails': shut up requests ...18:25 *Art section: DVDs ...20:30 *'Bugle Sport section!' ...21:40 Issue 7: 25 million people missing *'Main Story ': UK government loses 25 million peoples' files in the post ...2:14 *"The Queen should cut her own head off!" -Andy ...5:38 *"I shred the leftovers of every meal I eat. It's messy but it's safe." -John ...7:40 *'Next Story ': Phenomenal drop in violence in Iraq ...8:55 *"The White House does now seem to be using the President's incompetence as its sole defence." -John ...10:58 *Hugo Chavez News ...10:58 *Juan Carlos telling Chavez to 'Shut up' becomes Spanish ringtone. *Ask an American! ...15:55 *'Bugle Sport section!' : English football is dead ...23:25 *Commemorative boo ...25:47 *Audio cryptic crossword : 24 across ...28:30 *'Bugle Forecast! ': ...29:12 Issue 8: Australians keep touching the Queen Main Story : Australian Election, John Howard vs Kevin Rudd ...01:31 * Who is going to be more British ''part 2: Who molested the Queen, John Howard or Paul Keating? * Australian Fact Box Party funding issues! Oh no! ...08:48 * Busking for election money * Stalin or Mr Bean? * John says "schwag" which is definitely how that is pronounced * Andy: "get a go with the Queen," "I feel the same way about Florence Nightingale" (14:25) A bear named Mohammed ...15:39 * Teacher sentenced for allowing children to name a teddy bear Mohammed, JAIL THE CHILDREN! Peace Watch ...17:47 * King Solomon, severed baby analogy, with mustard on the side '''Emails' ...20:05 * Terrorists stole listener's kidneys * Google French military victories * The American confirms all Americans were moving house last week. * I'm making a pizza, is that awesome? Bugle Sport section! ...22:15 * Miami Dolphins so close to achieving the winless season * Transatlantic punching fest or something * Pigeon racing is not a sport?? John: "I'm not a pigeon expert" Audio Cryptic Crossword ...25:20 * 11 across Advent calendar ...25:55 * Dec 1st-3rd Issue 9: Iran: Nukes or No Nukes? John talks about the writer's strike, wishes Andy a Happy Hanukkah. Main Story : Iran's nuclear program halted ...02:45 * WWIII is overdue ...05:50 * Bolivia has too many submarines ...07:15 * List of nuke owners ...10:00 * "Mordecai, what a guy, put state secrets in the public eye" -Andy ...12:40 Bush writes a letter to Kim Jong Il * Duke of Wellington trash talk ...14:50 * Flo's steamy letter ...15:22 Russian Election, what's so special about Putin? ...15:50 * Poisoning suspect elected as an MP * Vote for Putin and win a Fridge! Law Section ...19:30 * US Supreme Court to rule on Guantanamo * Interrogation tapes destroyed, tape of the World's Longest Pets! ...12:20 * Superprisons in the UK Emails ...24:00 * Listener supports Andy's claim that Keating groped the Queen * Greatest movie presidents * Listener also thinks Flo is hawt, Andy encourages audience to email in about other attractions buglers have towards historical figures Bugle Sport section! ...26:25 * Sports personality of the year, nominations opened Audio Cryptic Crossword ...29:15 * 14 across Hanukkah Forecast, this year is a leap Hanukkah. Issue 10: Have an Adequate Christmas * The Pope doesn't believe in global warming. * Carbon footprint of UK Christmas dinners. ** John- "Cranberry sauce alone ... contributes half of the carbon footprint related to transport. And so to combat that, Andy, I'm offering to smuggle your cranberry sauce this year about my person." ** Andy's suggestion to offset your carbon footprint- just "not cook your Christmas dinner, eat it raw." ** John talks about the Oliver family tradition of eating polar bears. * John calls the US President a scab. * Emails ** Population joke (Canada) ...24:10 ** Dispute over whether John is smoking in a YouTube video Issue 10A: The Very Best (so far!) Issue 11: After Iowa, only 302 days left to go Issue 12: Bush brings yet more chaos to the Middle East Issue 13: After 433 years, Sark finally gets democracy Issue 14: Money, Money, Money John sings Money by Rick James - "His stay was brief, but funky." ...1:42 Main Story : Is the world on the brink of economic meltdown? ...01:55 *Another exchange rate joke ...03:10 *"The US sneezed its economic balls off" -John ...03:55 *"The French could be the most powerful people in the world if they all kept themselves to themselves" -John ...08:35 Resignation News ...08:40 *Andy "£100000 could buy a seventeen second long presidential campaign" ...10:08 Middle East Update ...11:00 *Gaza goes on an explosive shopping trip Mitt Romney factbox ...12:50 *Andy "If you do get in a wrestling match with a pig, these are the steps you should take." ...16:33 Ask an American! ...17:22 Emails *John announces he is a 'complete convert' to Hotties from History ...26:05 *Hotties Nomination: Mother Teresa ...28:36 Sport section Issue 21: Swearing at the Queen! Issue 24: Was Stonehenge an ancient taxdodge? THE BEST EMAIL EVER! Issue 25: John loves the Pope Issue 26: Food! Nonexistent Food! Issue 27: The Swimsuit Edition Issue 28: Dead Hill Walking Issue 29: Adults and Aliens Issue 30: Volcano Porn Issue 31: Sharon Stone fludges her pontullius Issue 32: Obama and KSM Issue 33: George Bush: 'Regrets? I've had a few' Issue 34: You Will Know Us By Our Knobbly Fruit Week beginning Monday 23rd June 2008. Job interview questions: "If you were a biscuit, what type of biscuit would you be?" Andy says the best answer is to say "If you weren't a cunt, what type of job would you have?" Issue 35: Barack Obama and his disappearing change hat Issue 35*: Independence Day Special Issue 36: Oil Prices, recession & inflation but what do the G8 do? Have an 18 course meal Issue 37: Barack Obama is coming to Europe! Issue 38: Karadzic's Scooby Doo disguise Issue 39: McCain, Andy and John plumb new depths with their Obama attack ad Issue 40: Osama Bin Laden's taxi driver Issue 41: Russia gets gold at Olympic sport of invasion Issue 42: An Olympics Special Issue 43: Democratic convention special Issue 44: Republican Convention Special Issue 44.1: The sub-issue you've all been waiting for Issue 45: Help Save The Investment Banker * Furthest distance between Andy and John for a Bugle, London to LA. Andy is 8 hours ahead, John says "you might get the jokes slightly before I do, don't spoil them for me." ...0:55 * Main Story : The economy! Investment banks meltdown ...4:45 ** "I think, John, what we've learned from this is that the world economic markets are total dicks." -Andy ** An investment bank filed for bankruptcy after the Fed refused to bail them out, supposedly to send a message to Wall Street. John- "The only discernable message I can make out there is that they just didn't screw up badly enough." ** John- "So that's the lesson for the future: be worse, and you'll be fine. If you're gonna act irresponsibly recklessly, you have to do it to such an extent that you become immune to consequence." Andy- "Well it's basically these financial institutions demanding protection money from the government and therefore us, the public." ...8:11 ** "I'll tell you who I blame, John. I blame the communists." -Andy ...8:58 ** John is a hero, and now owns part of Andy's house ...9:40 * Next Story : Zimbabwe democracy * Andy eavesdrops on the train; what is this woman's favourite thing? It begins with GR, is all Andy knows. John- "I can't believe you're doing this to me Andy, this is gonna be on my mind all day." * Guinness Book of Records * Emails '''...18:55 ** The Bugle is an audio antivirus for listeners allergic to the British accent. ** Another population joke (Canada) "They count seals, they've got passports" -John ** Skeeter the pig writes in to complain that Obama said Sarah Palin looks like a pig in lipstick. ** Bugle President nominations * '''Sport ...27:40 Issue 46: Economic Armageddon Approacheth Issue 47: Sarah Palin- One giant leap backwards for humankind * Main Story : The VP Debate, "an utterly meaningless sherade." -John ** Fox News described it as a gaff-filled gaff-fest. ** Palin came out on top, as she had a better flag pin * People from Bosnia are now to be known as Bosniacs. * Capitalism vs communism debate. * Nobody understands economics. ** "I still have no idea what a fund manager does when he gets to his desk in the morning." -Andy ...15:10 * Bugle feature section! Heroes or idiots? ** Yves Rossi, Rocket Man, flew across the Channel on rocket wings. Mr Rossi calls himself Fusion Man. ** Stephane Rousson attempted to cross the Channel with a pedal propelled airship ** David Blaine hanging upside-down in Central Park, "like a dull bat." -John ** World's former heaviest man lost 39 stone (546 pounds) out of the 88 stone (1232 pounds) he had to start with. Andy says he could feed Ethiopia by dieting. John wonders if he is now very flappy, and if he could now jump off a tree and just float down like a flying squirrel. * Emails ** Nudity in the modern podcast: John having been naked for issues 43 and 44, it is only fair that Andy now does a podcast naked. Andy spends the rest of the podcast in the nude. ** Hotties from History nominations: Adam and Eve, Marie Anne Charlotte Corday Darmont. * There is no sport at all this week, it was "completely overshadowed by the appointment of Joe Kinnear as temporary manager of Newcastle United, and ... his spectacular tirade of foul-mouthery." -Andy ...28:25 * Bugle forecast: next week the Bugle will be one year old, Andy and John will be exchanging audio birthday presents. * Andy is a bad Jew: "Every day is Yom Kippur to me" -Andy Issue 48: How Low Will They Go? * John met Robert Di Nero on the Daily Show, Di Nero asked the person he was with if John is really British, John is outraged. * Andy is still a bad Jew: Andy- "We just all gathered around the fire and opened all our presents, just a lovely family occasion." John- "No hold on, that's not Yom Kippur, that's Christmas. Bad Jew." * Bugle Birthday celebrations * Emails * Bugle forecast: Zeus sent Andy a signal that there will be at least another 120 years of Bugling. Issue 49: Joe the plumber now regrets chatting to Barack Obama Issue 50: US Election nearly over! Issue 51: Let it all be over soon! Issue 52: Spoiler alert! Obama won Issue 53: Obama and his not so secret code name Issue 54: The Vegas Special Issue 55a: The Thanksgiving Special Issue 55: Shooting One's Own Leg Issue 56: Selling Barack Obamas seat Issue 57: Hats off to Obama shoes off for Bush Issue 58: What Did you get for Xmas? Peace In The Middle East? Issue 59: Why Obama's inauguration will be like the Rio carnival Issue 60: Goodbye George Hello Barack Week beginning Monday 19th January 2009. Issue 61: Obama Inauguration Special Issue 62: Obama and his do nothing wonderland Issue 63: Foreign Snow Invades Britain Issue 64: Bankers pretend to apologise Issue 64 Appendage 1: The new webpage guided tour Issue 65: Will Obamas stimulus revive the world economy? Who cares Issue 66: Brown gets rubbish present from Obama Issue 67: Monkey News Special! Issue 68: Obama and his Al Qaeda Style Video Introduction * John discusses his “ongoing tango with US immigration“ and an encounter with a Castro-hating Cuban doctor …00:53 * Dominique Strauss-Kahn is in the soundproof safe this week…02:25 In the Bin * Feature section on the number 68…04:58 Top Story * “The Pope, as they call him in Queens, P-p-p-p-P-Uniiiit” has been on a week-long tour of Africa this week, and has been playing all of his greatest hits. …06:16 ** John: “pope went on to say, you can’t resolve aids crisis with the distribution of condoms, on the contrary, it increases the problem…O.K., that pushed him over the edge Andy, he can now go fuck himself.” ::: Andy: “As long as he does it safely, John” …08:48 Other Stories * Revolution news - A coup in Madagascar is led by a former-DJ. …12:26 ** John “Mr. Rajoelina addressed supporters in the capital on Wednesday to promise a return to normal life, to security and above all, national reconciliation, and he then said, Now here’s How Deep is Your Love by the Bee Gees” …14:09 ** Andy’s Madagascar ‘fact box’ …16:03 * Irish Priminister Speech News… 17:16 ** Priminister Brian Cowen delivers an unorthodox St. Patrick’s Day speech at the White House. * Obama’s Video Message to Iran …20:29 Bugle Fitness Section …21:10 Emails’’’ * Sigourney Binder’s suggestion for a soundproof safe guest earns Andy’s admiration for its outstanding bullshit content …24:52 * Anne Anderson warns John against purchasing the New York Public Library…27:26 Sport * Charlie Villanueva of the Milwaukee Bucks is in trouble for tweeting during games. …29:01 : John: “Your argument is collapsing like the Parthenon” : Andy “What, being blown up by the Turks?” * The beginning of the F1 season …31:29 * The boat race …32:04 Forecast * By this time next week, will Tom have had his baby? …32:39 * Also, “if he does have it, will he have delivered it himself, like a real man, or will he have taken the wimp’s option and gone to a hospital?” …33:31 ‘’’Competition’’’ * Name Tom’s baby …34:03 Issue 69: Possibly the longest penis joke in the world, ever John: "G20 now...and that's not the new, new name for Gatorade, nor is it the announcement of the end of a snooker break by ex-RnB star Warren G: G, 20." ...17:30 Andy: "I'm tapping the cushion for that. It didn't look on that joke." Issue 70: G-G-G-G-G-GEEEE 20 Issue 70.1: Supplementary Easter Egg Issue 71: Torture and Dictators special Issue 72: The Real Swine Flu Vaccine Issue 73: Are the Taliban skiing down the Swat Valley? Issue 74: Claiming expenses for MPs that do not exist Issue 75: What to do with Gitmo let fear decide Issue 76: Calling out North Korea Introduction ': John has been doing standup in the US South. He was in a hotel with a comic convention and met Buglers who had created their own Hotties from History t-shirts. Andy warns of a world record attempt this Bugle, riffs on the number 76, and talks about Dr Heimlich. '''In the Bin ': The Bugle Summer Section. Celsius or Fahrenheit? Do's and Don'ts of Sunbathing. 'Top Story ': Kim Jong-Il conducts an underground nuclear test. PUN RUN WORLD RECORD ATTEMPT: Korean cities. Andy delivers a provocation to North Korea. Kim Jong-Il's spectacular water slide shows up on Google Earth. Andy is still deeply bored with the MP expenses scandal in the UK. Conservatives promise to redistribute power if elected "from the political elite to the people in the street." Andy: "John, I *am* the man or woman in the street, and I can promise Mr Cameron that I am the last person on earth I would want in a position of public responsibility." John: "I am also the man or woman in the street, and you are the last person. I would be second last, but I would put you after me." US Supreme Court News: Obama nominates Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. John is willing to accept a Yankees fan on the Court in spite of his moral reservations. Inspired by Republican opposition to Sotomayor, John has created an attack ad opposing Andy Zaltzman's appointment. Andy decides that nobody with a gender or any other background should be on the Court. 'Emails ': Multiple Buglers write about Canadian Governor General Michaëlle Jean gutting a seal and eating its raw heart. Andy learns the word 'badassery'. Andy promises to add to the blog. John and Producer Tom are sceptical. '''Sport * Barcelona v Manchester United recap. * Washington Nationals, incredibly incompetent baseball team, misspell their own names on their uniforms. * Delonte West interview in which Mr West describes his ideal date, a "ninety-nine dollar wine and dine". Forecast ': When will the MP expenses row end? John says 2020. Andy says longer, likely hundreds of years. Issue 77: Gordon Brown gets a bad dose of the quits Issue 78: Apathy or the far right Europe decides Issue 79: Iranian election special Issue 80: Iran, pick on a country your own size! Issue 80 point 5: Independence Day Special Issue 81: The G8 the world's slowest superheroes Issue 82: Freedom of Speech Special Issue 83: Obama pay for this or you will be dead Issue 84: Future Special Issue 85: I need a hero! Bill Clinton goes to North Korea Issue 86: Burma triumphs in made up crime prevention Week beginning Monday 17th August 2009. '''Introduction ': John enjoyed the Jewish wedding he went to, especially when the new couple were put into danger. Andy "the hot truth" Zaltzman explains the term '86' and gives examples in a suitable American accent. 'In the Bin ': A Guide to Scotland in the 2010 football World Cup. Binned because it is entirely moot. 'Top Story ': Jailhouse Croc. Sentencing of the American man who swam to visit Aung San Suu Kyi, whose house arrest sentence was extended because she let him in. John and Andy discuss Burmese penalties for the crime of swimming in a restricted zone. Britain Going down the Plughole News: British energy is in trouble and gas supplies from the North Sea are dwindling. And how did France and Germany come out of their recessions before Britain? Andy: "As St George, our patron saint, used to say, the best way to kill a baby-eating dragon is to keep feeding babies to it until it is too fat to breathe. Because in the long run you'll make a net savings on babies." American political rhetoric about the NHS. Rabbis on a Plane News: Rabbis tackle swine flu by flying over Israel praying loudly and playing shofars. On a commercial flight. Look up the video! Woodstock News: Woodstock was 40 years ago. Who wasn't there. '''Email * Phil Bennet writes about removing a large painted cock and balls from a carriageway in Leicestershire. * Tom and Pete have sent a remix of Holding out for a Hero, the John Oliver version! * Producer Tom answers three-word questions from Buglers, most importantly, "Andy or John?" Sport * Andy creates a series of metaphors to describe how badly the English cricketers were beaten by Australia in the next-to-last test match of the Ashes. * John gets a critical Michael Vick update during a wedding. Forecast ''': Andy's wife's birthday is coming up. But so is the first day of the final, crucial, Ashes test match. Uh-oh. Issue 87: Afghanistan celebrates election with fireworks or guns Issue 88: Iran and its glitzy show trials '''Introduction * John has been to Philadelphia and sees hope for the Middle East in two rival Cheesesteak stores ...01:11 * Andy’s brother texts in to insult America ...02:36 * Andy goes on a mini musical pun-run ...03:05 In the Bin * A history of exams - Britain is cleverer than ever before, according to recent results. Andy recalls some genuine historical exam questions. ...05:40 * How to excel in a new sport - this week, cock fighting ...07:40 Top Story World Update, including… * Iran Update ** Iran holds show trials for pro-democracy protesters and journalists. ...08:42 * China Update ** The Chinese government tries to “move away” from the practice of using the organs of executed prisoners. ...14:14 ** China is still very pissy about the Dalai Lama. ...16:46 * California Update: ** The governor is holding an online garage sale to balance the state’s budget. ...17:29 * Science Update ** Andy thinks monkeys should see the benefits of their contributions to medical science. ...19:58 Email * Luke “The Crusher” Stibbs writes in about KFC’s Double Down burger. ...21:08 * Joe Boyle asks “What the fuck is Cricket?!?” ...22:50 * One bugler’s claim that “you have totally nailed the 14-15 year old girls market” prompts a defensive response from John. ...24:00 Sport * The “bloodgate” scandal involving Harlequins rugby club “ has rumbled on like an undercooked curry”. Andy maintains that the real lesson is: “If you’re going to cheat, do it properly.” ...25:26 * Controversy over the gender of South African 800m runner Caster Semenya is handled about as badly as it could be by the IAAF. ...29:29 * Andy points out more historical instances of cheating in sport and manages to finish the section without mentioning England’s Ashes win. ...31:08 Forecast Andy is playing cricket for the first time in three years. Will he “cop one in the macadamias?“ How many runs will he get?” ...33:34 Issue 88.1: Travel Section The Bugle is still on holiday Issue 89: Good Health Bad Health Issue 90: Bring on the crazy, Gaddafi! Issue 91: Happy Birthday Communist China Issue 92: Obama wins first preemptive Nobel Peace Prize Issue 93: Peak Oil Special Introduction ': John, ''The Daily Show, the term goat******, and the state of US national security. Andy commemorates World Food Day. 'Main Story ': Oil! Peak oil is predicted. Andy explains how this relates to the song Build Me Up Buttercup and points out the advantages of going back to the Stone Age. Afghanistan Update: The US is considering undermining the Taliban by paying Afghans more than the Taliban does. Bugle Feature Section: Cutlery! A six-year-old schoolboy is being suspended for bringing his camping cutlery to a school that has a zero-tolerance policy on bringing weapons. Andy deepens the discussion by discussing the splayd. '''Email * Bugler Rebecca in Brooklyn writes with evidence supporting John's claim that him winning an Emmy cheapened all other awards. * The Curse of the Bugle. Many Buglers write in naming couples they would like to break up. Especially Bugler Tony P in Indianapolis -- creepy! Bugler Dean suggests that the Curse of the Bugle retroactively prevented Florence Nightingale from getting married. Sport ': baseball championships are beginning. John hates the Phillies. Andy explains where the Yankees got their name. No Bugle next week because John has 'shit to do'. Producer Tom responds sarcastically. Issue 94: Does the EU really want El Presidente Blair? '''Introduction ': John describes American Halloween, including a kid in a full Spiderman costume. John was approved for his Green Card, so he can now be arrested without being deported. Andy had his testosterone levels tested and speculates about the characteristics of his sperm. Andy talks about the Gunpowder Plot and the punishments for the perpetrators because Bonfire Night is coming up. Europe is probably going to have a President: will it be Tony Blair? He was endorsed by Gordon Brown and Silvio Berlusconi. John sings Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi and comments on Andy's Bon Jovi box set. Andy discusses Euroscepticism with heavy reliance on talking about Hitler. Andy talks about the ideas toward Europe from his audience members at a gig in Yatton. Could Blair be edged out by someone from...Luxembourg? British politics: Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has appeared on Question Time, a BBC political discussion programme. John clarifies that Griffin "is the leader of the BNP, and he's also a fully-qualified ****." Andy describes him trying to weasel out of his holocaust denial. Andy analyses the BNP. Cheerleading! Andy gives his a history of cheerleading. When Andy drops in an actual fact, John is horrified to learn about the cheerleading histories of some prominent Americans. '''Email Bugler John ("J. Fred") McCord from Illinois writes that Andy, John, and Tom are terrible parents, having forgotten to mention the Bugle's second birthday. Andy is indignant that Producer Tom didn't bring cake. * Bugler Sam Bobbley writes from Brisbane about his prophetic dream that proves that John and Andy are plotting to reinstate the British Empire. * Profesor de Literatura Mauricio Aldecazura wrote last week about the Bugle Curse, after which his own five-year relationship ended. John, Andy, and Tom decide to start a Bugle dating service. Sport ''': The World Series is in progress but John is disheartened because he despises both teams. Andy and Tom saw the Tampa Bay Bucs play the New England Patriots at Wembley. No Bugle next week because Andy has some shit to do. He is also a terrible Jew. Bugler Lucy Cockhill in New Zealand contributes her remix of previous Bugler's Libyan Gangster Rap. Issue 94 and a half: Autumn Vacation Bonus Bugle recorded by Andy at home for the week starting 9th November 2009. Andy is working on his radio series this year and is worried he might become so famous he will be pursued by the audio paparazzi. Afghanistan update: Afghanistan's recent election is bullshit. What if Afghanistan were a potential romantic partner? John points to problems in the country and Andy points out its cricket team is doing rather well at the moment. Britain's Conservative Party Conference: David Cameron speaks in favour of the NHS and says some gibberish about what it means to be British. Andy and John speculate on whether Andy is truly British. Andy describes a Tory gaffe and then says that if Labour win it will be "the biggest upset since Goliath beat David in the rematch". Bugle Feature Section: The Tango. UNESCO has declared the tango to be part of world heritage. Has John done a tango? Was Osama bin Laden scarred by a bad tango experience? Other dances and gestures that are part of world heritage (including nut grabbing and flipping the bird). John wants his dance moves to be protected too. Andy uses his classics degree to explain the origins of disco dancing in ancient Rome. Operation Scoundrel: The Allies use their squad of scoundrels to help defeat Hitler. Dinosaur News: findings of new fossils of feathered dinosaurs. What does this mean for the reputations of modern birds? Inmates drinking anti-bacterial hand wash that was meant to fight swine flu in prisons. '''Email * Bugler Obid taunts John about the Phillies' World Series win. * The edible Bugle was expired and made Bugler Jason feel queasy! Help! * Bugler Kaylie Dunn writes that Deryck Whibley has found a new 'mystery chick', the new First Lady of the Bugle. Sport ': Andy describes the upcoming boxing match where boxer David Haye will fight the astonishingly enormous Nikolay Valuev. Issue 95: Walls, Wars and Power '''Introduction ': John is in a hotel room in Albany, Oregon. John met Serena Williams and believes if Andy were unmarried she and Andy would be the ideal couple. John took his visiting sister to a batting cage and was heckled by seven-year-olds for being a Mets fan. Worse, he was treated with sympathy by people in Boston due to his Mets cap. Andy decides to do the annual Day of Tolerance in reverse. '''Top Story : Walls! Great Wall of China. Berlin Wall, including the real reason the Berlin Wall came down after Reagan said, "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall". Producer Tom responds to Hadrian's Wall. The West Bank wall. The Botswana-Zimbabwe border wall. The Saudi Arabian fence. India-Pakistan border barrier. The English Channel. The Great Hedge of India. War News: Video game Call of Duty Is released. John compares the vigorous response to the game to the subdued response to the actual war in Afghanistan. What will Obama do in Afghanistan? Power News: Forbes have released their Top 400 people list. John isn't on it. Vladimir Putin praises breakdancing for being wholesome. Bugle Feature Section: World Records. Humanity at its best. Some records and some bullshit. Email * Bugler Robert asks who is holding US debt? Half of it is both held by and owed to the US government? WTF? * Bugler Andrew says: John got Transformers wrong! And I am looking for girl! Andy promises to read all remaining email in the next Bugle. He then promises to have all 6.5 billion Buglers to his house for Christmas dinner. Sport ': David Haye beat the enormous Nicolaj Valuev. Issue 96: Two Star Review for this year's Queen's Speech '''Introduction ': Andy hypes himself! John spotted Zooey Deschanel and her husband watching him while he is having a brawl with six-year-olds at a Daily Show shoot. Sarah Palin's new book is terrible. The Queen's Speech: what a gig! This is how the British government presents its plans for the next year: in this case, to get voted out of government in six months. John thinks Prince Phillip is an inadequate hypeman. Since the speech was fantasy anyway, John wants more interesting fantasy. US Congress News: The Democrats are ineffective. A Democrat has proposed the day before Thanksgiving be made official Complaint-Free Wednesday. John and Andy support complaining. Guantanamo Bay: It isn't being closed on Obama's deadline. Andy has his own issues with deadlines but does a George W Bush impression. Andy reports on a miracle while someone was making a bed in Wisconsin, including God's response. '''Email * Bugler Nathanial writes that Hugo Chavez has declared war on clouds to address problems of low rainfall. Chavez will go up in the plane and zap clouds himself! * Bugler Joel in Tokyo writes on Call of Duty. He says the developers have included a Bugle tribute at a comedy club in downtown Tehran. Sport * The worst thing that has ever happened to Ireland! Refereeing error when Thierry Henri's handball was not called in a World Cup qualifying game. * Footballer Glen Johnson is in Belgrade receiving massage with liquid from a horse placenta. Andy talks about his son's placenta. Issue 96A: Thanksgiving for Berlusconi Introduction ''': Thanksgiving Special 2009! John and Andy give thanks for lots of things in lieu of a literal harvest. Andy advises on several ways NOT to say thank you. '''Email * Bugler Stephen writes to commemorate The retirement of very weird tennis player Marat Safin. John and Andy say they should never have waited this long to talk about such a great crazy figure in sport. * There have been several messages about Chad Ochocinco, who changed his name from Chad Johnson. He is a wide receiver on John's fantasy team, the British Bulldogs. Bugler Lawrence writes asking for a weekly Chad Ochocinco update. Andy and John discuss which of them is the less bad Jew. Andy worries that when the Bugle turns its attention to a crazy sports figure that person tends to end up in jail. Talk of Chad Ochocinco's book and how he keeps his focus during the football season. Does the Queen listen to the Bugle? Has she created a series of false email addresses to for chat rooms and email to the Bugle? Andy and John thank the Buglers...though they could technically do the podcast without them. Issue 97: Bad News for Stupid Buildings, Afghanistan and shoes Introduction : John spent time with dogs over Thanksgiving. Leela the German Shepherd speaks only Spanish. And the fat beagle with interesting toilet habits. Andy was a bad Jew in public at a Jewish political discussion and cabaret night. Andy presents the John Oliver line of bullshit gardening equipment. Top Story : climate conference in Copenhagen. Tangent to explain the game of conkers. Nick Griffin ("BNP leader and Britain's undisputed king of the *****") is there, offering anti-immigrant "climate" policies. Email hacking and "climategate". Afghanistan News. John says, "On Tuesday night President Obama delivered a prime-time speech to the nation regarding his new policy on Afghanistan, which is the same policy as every nation throughout history has had regarding Afghanistan, i.e. throw more troops at the problem, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. The only differences in history have come with how many troops that is and how tightly the fingers were crossed." John analyses the speech and the reaction to it. Andy suggests that for Christmas you give the gift of a warlord. Man who threw shoes at President Bush gets shoes thrown at him! Feature Section: Stupid Building News. Dubai's financial problems are causing a slowdown in stupid building. Andy says, "I think Dubai, John, is a place that goes to show what you can achieve if you dare to dream. And then dare to employ slave labour." Email * Bugler Amy E. Carter has sent a Bugle Christmas card. "Merry Zaltzmas, Happy Johnukkah, and best wishes for Two Thousand and Tom". * Bugler Liz Juranek writes on the Bugle Curse: Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have broken up! * Bugler Matthew Horne writes from New Zealand with the story of a man who was wrongly believed to be in a coma for 23 years. Has Andy ever done a 23-year gig? John and Andy discuss bad gigs in their history. Andy says, "The Birdcage in Leeds, that was a personal lowlight for me...it was a transvestite night club that had a comedy night for a while...and is the only time I've ever left a gig by the fire exit to avoid having to walk through the crowd." Sport * Incredible try scored by Harlequins fly half. Oh, and that Tiger Woods guy had a kerfuffle. * The New Jersey Nets have started the season 0-18, worst start to a season in NBA history. Issue 98: Britain can no longer afford defence against aliens Introduction ''': All hail Zaltor the Pitiless, Emperor of All Things: Andy is rebranding. John sends an Xbox and the Kung Fu Panda game to US troops. John's Christmas tree is ******* huge. And bare. Andy and his wife have unusual secular decorations for their secular Christmas tree. Andy raves about the superiority of Celsius temperatures over Fahrenheit. '''In the Bin : Christmas presents in the credit crunch! Soundproof Safe: rugby player Tony O'Reilly. Top Story ''': Britain is ******! New economic news show Britain is running the largest peacetime deficit in history. Bingo players get a break in the new budget. Andy uses his degree to give a bullshit explanation of how the word bingo comes from Latin. Bankers don't want to pay tax. British diplomats are having their budgets cut. And worst of all, the Ministry of Defence is closing its UFO reporting service. Nobel Peace Prize: Barack Obama went to Norway to accept the prize but only for 24 hours, which annoyed the Nobel community. He had to cancel lunch with the King, but Andy speculates on what they would have said if they had had lunch. Sarah Palin compared Obama's speech to her own book. Feature section: Celebrations in sport (John sings). The NFL has clamped down on touchdown celebrations, but watch out -- here comes Chad Ochocinco! He celebrated a touchdown by putting on a poncho and sombrero, and he was fined for it. Andy and John discuss Mascot Rugby, the best part of the sporting year. John and Andy reminisce about their personal best celebrations after scoring goals. '''Email * Anonymous Bugler Mr X writes about his time as a structural engineer working on stupid buildings in Dubai. * Bugler Elliot Lyon points out the curse of Gilette and how it has affected the athletes the company sponsors. * Bugler Tom Schematti writes that The Bugle Curse affects more than just relationships: the New Jersey Nets won. * Bugler Dylan in Hong Kong writes about how the Bugle broke up his relationship with his girlfriend. Sport ': World Cup draw: England will play the USA! Andy engages in trash talk showing how England is superior to the USA. John worries about how this will affect his job, because if England lose he won't be able to go to work. Andy introduces a ruleless number puzzle to replace the Audio Cryptic Crossword. '''Forecast ': Andy's daughter Mathilda has her stage debut next week in her nursery Christmas production. Will she follow her father into show business? Issue 99: Berlusconi takes a cathedral to the face Week beginning Monday 21st December 2009. Issue 99A: The Best of 99 Bugles Issue 99B: The Bugle Musical Special Musical highlights from previous episodes, including contributions sent in by buglers. * A remix of Andy's Florence Nightingale Rap ("Go wid da flo") by Pete from Japan ...01:48 - 02:59 * John's description of a date with Delonte West, set to music by Dan Clarke, dedicated to Deryck and Avril from Canada. ...03:55 - 05:25 * Lucy Coghill's remix of the Colonel Gadaffi Rap (originally sent in by Thomas Hale) ...06:01-07:43 * Tom and Pete accompany John Oliver singing "Holding out for a Hero" ...08:17 - 08:48 * The Hugo Chavezagram, put together by Tom for the Bugle's 1st birthday edition, inspired by an email from Sean Clothier ...09:16 - 10:40 Issue 100: The 100th Episode Week beginning Monday 18th January 2010. Issue 101: Barack Obama and how to lose hope and irritate people Massachusetts elects Republican Scott Brown to the Senate; Democrats lose anti-filibuster majority. "If you're Obama, Andy - and I know you're the first to admit you're not - then it's impossible to interpret this as anything other than a slap to the face, a kick to the balls, and an entirely unnecessary tweak to the left nipple." - John on Massachusetts electing Republican Scott Brown to the Senate. "I'm sorry you don't agree with our healthcare platform, and I'm even sorrier that your mother's sexually transmitted diseases will now go untreated. BOOM!" - John John Edwards' lovechild. '''Kraft takes over Cadbury "This will not stand. First they came for our tea, and I was not yet born, so I did not speak up. Then they came for Manchester United, but I was not a Manchester United fan so I did not speak up. Then they came for our mid- to low-range confectionery and I lost my shit. That's it Andy, I'm stitching my red coat, polishing my musket and I'll meet you on Virginia Beach. They've pushed us too far. We are taking America back!" - John gets a bit touchy about it "Those are passionate words for someone who just used the word 'math'." - Andy's response Issue 102: Why the global economy is like Elvis Issue 103: Climate change denial and Narnia of nutcases Week beginning Monday 8th February 2010. Issue 104: Valentines Day Special Link to mp3 Issue 104a: Where is John? Link to mp3 Issue 105: Back off our islands Argentina! Link to mp3 Issue 106: The American right to flip the bird Link to mp3 Issue 107: An Ethics Special Link to mp3 Issue 108: Eyes on Africa Link to mp3 Issue 109: In Rude Health Link to mp3 * "Minority Leader Boehner has responded to this by saying "I know many Americans are angry over this health care bill and that Washington Democrats just aren't listening, but as I've said, violence and threats are unacceptable. That's not the American way." Oh, really? Try telling that to anyone wearing a red coat in Boston in the late 1700s. 'Cause it sure as shit felt like it was the American way then, as the crowd surged towards you with a barrel of tar and a bag of feathers... No, I'm not over it!" ...11:05 Issue 110: Britain Holds Its Breath Link to mp3 Week beginning Monday 12th April 2010 Issue 111: Some Seroiously Bad Pope-ing Link to mp3 Issue 112: Birthday Party! Super Best Friends Invited! Link to mp3 Issue 113: Countdown to Vote-ageddon Link to mp3 Issue 114: Waking Up In A Different Britain Link to mp3 Issue 115: Five more years of this Link to mp3 Introduction ': Andy is creepily inspired by the new spirit of cooperation in Britain now that the election has left a coalition in charge. John tells about a terrorism false alarm in Union Square. '''In the Bin ': Summer fashion for the slovenly. '''Top Story : The UK is governed once more! Andy: "So they get to be in government, despite having missed the biggest sitting duck since the 35 stone Hawaiian sumo wrestler Konishiki dressed up like a mallard for a pond awareness campaign photo shoot but fell asleep in an armchair." Silvio Berlusconi is getting divorced. John and Andy discuss what the estranged Mrs B might get in the settlement. Problems in Greece: Andy uses his classics degree. Email is not available and it's TOM'S FAULT. Andy reads from Hugo Chavez's feed as part of learning his way around twitter. Sport: Pitch invasions by fans of the despised Philadelphia Phillies, and an excellent baseball-related double bird. The Bugle: Recent Decents - May 2010 Link to mp3 Assembled by Producer Chris. Long introduction: Italian food, Italian roadkill, other roadkill. Feature: Sleep and the risks of not getting enough. British political parties that are amazingly not bullshit. Limited overs cricket. Boobquake! Email ': ceremony to commemorate Florence Nightingale, proposed Hotties from History gathering. Issue 116: Freeze The Oil Link to mp3 Andy's daughter Mathilda and how Andy gets her to eat. John meets the US soccer team that will play at the World Cup for the Daily Show. Andy tells about a historical belch. '''Top story ': Oil slick on the Louisiana coast. Measuring oil in milk jugs. Or, say, cricket bats. Producer Chris does essential research. Robert Mugabe sending an ark of African animals to Kim Jong Il. '''Email * London 2012 Olympics mascots that look like penises. * Request for John to record a Bugle alarm clock. * The Bugle as an exam revision tool. Issue 117: She bored'er colleagues Link to mp3 John meets the granddaughter of W.C. Fields. The timelessness of stupid jokes. Make The Bugle hereditary. Top story ''': Israel boards/storms a ship resupplying Gaza. Joke political party in Iceland is elected. Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson are planning a huge concert in Australia for dogs. PUN RUN: dog puns. Scientists on coffee. Massive use of coffee by both John and Andy. Chris does research on what little milk pots are called. '''Email * Calculating the oil spill in terms of cricket bats. * Student in Wisconsin paints John and Andy. * Bugler writes from Antarctica. Reprise of Build Me Up Buttercup from Bugle 93. Issue 118: World Cup Special Link to mp3 Introduction ''': World Cup! John will be in Johannesburg. '''Top Story : Preview of England vs the USA in the World Cup! John has pretaped three different Daily Show segments for the three possible outcomes. Bugle Classic World Cup Commentaries: 1954 World Cup Final: Germany v Hungary. Bugle Classic World Cup Commentaries: 1986 World Cup Quarterfinal: Mexico v Argentina featuring Diego Maradona. Preview: English Hooligans v South African Police Force. Bugle World Cup Quiz! Includes traces of fact. Andy: "This is a fact...of sorts." Great World Cup Moments Forecast ': Who will win the World Cup? Issue 119: Oil Never Do It Again Link to mp3 Andy: "The first Bugle ever to be recorded during a World Cup." '''Top Story ': Oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Producer Chris does real-time wikipedia research on whether halibut eat plankton. Minerals found in Afghanistan, and Gen. Petraeus faints before Congress. Shittest World Cup ever! North Korea reports on its national football team's performance; John and Andy compare this to Kim Jong-Il's golf skill. The ball being used in the World Cup sucks. 27:10 Vuvuzela discussion. Andy is not a fan. '''Email * USA vs England: "F**k you and your butterfingers goalie! USA! USA!" * Massive wang drawn on a bridge in St Petersburg. * 31:00-34:35 A listener offers to make the Bugle official sponsor of his wedding. Discussion ensues. * 34:35 Best first sentence of a news story. Condolences to sound engineer Paul whose basketball team lost some kind of championship thingy. The Times puts the Bugle web page behind a paywall. Issue 120: McChrystal Balls Link to mp3 The Bugle is passing the 70 hour mark! Top Story ': General Stanley McChrystal complains about the running of the war in Afghanistan and it's published in Rolling Stone. Oops. Includes an excellent bird. Andy quotes General David Petraeus giving an interview to a magazine for teenage girls. Pensions in the UK public sector. Booboo news: Islamic cleric says a man drinking a woman's breast milk makes them family. Theological discussion ensues. World Cup is less shit now! Especially because the French have been hilariously bad. Exclusive English-language commentary on the French performance. Tom the Producer drops by to talk about the World Cup, take the piss out of England, and say fuck you, Chris. '''Email ': Suggested highly Bugle-influenced wedding vows. 'Sport ': Wikipedia vandalism affecting golfer Graeme McDowell. Extremely long tennis game and other long sporting events. Issue 121: I spy with my little eye.. Link to mp3 For the week beginning 5th July, 2010. John tells about hosting a charity award ceremony at Radio City Music Hall. John: "all that razzmatazz culminating in a bespectacled English man walking out in a grey suit looking like he's about to talk to everyone about their taxes". Andy tells about history that was overlooked at the time. The Queen and Clark Gable on D-Day -- who knew... 'Top story ': Inept spies in the USA. John: "Andy, there are only three things better than stories about spies; they are: ice cream, the release of Nelson Mandela, and Lionel Messi." Barack Obama criticised for playing too much golf. Commentary included. Barack Obama and David Cameron trade beers. King Tut's penis has disappeared! World Cup: Disappointment about England's elimination. John manages to keep his girlfriend. '''Email : Flipping the bird with an actual bird. Issue 122: Donald Trump in drag Link to mp3 Issue 122a: History of the World Part 1 Link to mp3 Issue 122b: History of the World Part 2 Link to mp3 Issue 122g: History of the World Part 3 Link to mp3 Issue 122d: History of the World Part 4 Link to mp3 Issue 123: That clock is pimped out! Link to mp3 Week beginning Monday 16 August 2010. Andy is in Edinburgh performing at the Fringe. John tells about doing a gig in Central Park. Andy meets a Bugler who is an aid worker in Darfur. ...0:45 In the Bin ''': Archaeology section. Acropolis, whether Caesar's Palace could be an ancient Roman building, how to do an archaeological dig in your back garden. ...05:42 '''Top Story Britain has a debt problem and plans to cut 25 percent of public spending. John does an extended riff on the supposed connection between this and fat people. ...07:31 Andy proposes introducing tax to children at an earlier age. ...20:18 Meltdown at Fifteen Feet News: Flight attendant Steven Slater argues with unreasonable passenger, tells the passenger off over the intercom, deploys the emergency slide, and makes his escape. He becomes an instant hero. ...21:33 Feature section: Islamic Architecture. New clock being built on the clock tower in Mecca. The clock is blinged out. John and Andy discuss proposals to move the prime meridian from Greenwich to Mecca. John defends True Time, aka Greenwich Mean Time. ...28:57 Edinburgh Festival: Andy recommends the show of promising young comedian Andy Zaltzman and goes on to review some bullshit Edinburgh shows. ...35:26 Sport : The World Cup has finished. Spain beat what Andy called a reprehensible Dutch team. Andy reads from the diary of Dutch footballer Mark van Bommel. ...37:45 Andy: "I walked into the kitchen, elbowed the coffee machine right on its cappuccino frother...then poured some cornflakes into a bowl. I put the bowl on the floor, then clattered into it from behind, studs raised." ...38:34 Andy threatens vengeance for any Bugler who fails to come to his Edinburgh show. ...39:57 Issue 124: Brazilliant! Link to mp3 Week beginning 23 Aug 2010. John is in his hotel room in Milwaukee when he receives champagne, strawberries, and a card saying 'the Milwaukee division of the Bugle army has your back'. Well done Milwaukee Buglers! John's faith in humanity is restored. Though while he was in Milwaukee he also tried cheese soup. Andy is still in Edinburgh and reiterates his curse for Buglers who don't come to his show. A man in his audience made his own Bugle t-shirt depicting the Wang on the Roof from Bugle 69. Outstanding. Two hundred years ago today, Napoleon proposed replacing battles with a dance-off. The Russians refused, relying instead on their brutal winter to emerge victorious. In the Bin: Light your living room so you can interrogate your friends! ...04:55 Top Story Democracy own gooooooooooooooooal (The Brazilian Presidential Election). Satire has been banned in the pre-election period. John and Andy step in to fill the gap. Andy points out that he has had audiences that believed he was working under anti-joking legislation. Andy reminds us of how in 1959 a rhinoceros ran for election in Brazil, and tells of hilarious (real) Brazilian candidates of the past. All hail Kung-Fu Fatty and the Second King of Prawns. ...05:50 One Hundred Days News: The British coalition government has lasted 100 days. But how impressive were Jesus and Genghis Khan in their first hundred days? ...15:30 North Korea has joined twitter! So far they have used the platform for propaganda and various forms of calling South Korea a prostitute. Andy tells us the tale of the singer Pink's attempts to enlist dead portrait painters to depict her beloved Kim Jong-Il. ...17:36 Bugle Free Gift Andy and John reprise the Francis Bacon bit from Andy's 2001 Edinburgh Fringe show Andy Zaltzman and the Dog of Doom. The Dog of Doom was played on an offstage mic by John Oliver. ...23:26 Feature Section Golf Courses on Massive Rivers: A golf course is being built in the Amazon. The fee to play includes 12 balls, clubs, and...a machete. Difficulties for golfers include piranhas, caimans, and the occasional boa constrictor. Andy digs up some commentary from previous tournaments played there. ...27:03 Email * Bugler Joe writes to remind John and Andy of their admiration for teams that don't win. He proposes a new official football team of the Bugle: Wigan Athletic. Also, he loves Producer Chris's hair. Or perhaps Producer Chris should love his own hair. ...30:29 * Bugler Chris Hansen writes from Plano, TX, USA USA USA, to report on statistical trends in Bugle duration from episodes 18-123. Summary: Buglers are getting longer. The Bugle is Bugler Chris's only source of information on European history and has successfully piped in with facts on Joanna the Mad and the non-ratification of the EU's Lisbon treaty. Andy bravely tries to tweet the image of the graph. ...33:33 Issue 125: Donor Fatigue Link to mp3 Week beginning 30 August 2010 Andy is the three-time winner of the Bugle Edinburgh Fringe award, 2008, 2009, 2010. John, heartbreakingly, was the runner-up all three times. We learn that a recently arrested Canadian terrorist had auditioned for Canadian Idol, singing Complicated by Avril Lavigne. John and Andy talk about plans for the millionth Bugle, which is projected for 10 July, 25263. The hosts are projected to be Bugleaxe Badonkadonk Zaltzman and John Oliver the DCCVIth. (John, after a long string of bullshit: "I've drifted off, Andy") Nothing in history has ever happened on 30th August. In the Bin : Economy home tanning section. Andy tries out his new Greta Garbo impression. John suggests we check in later when it has had time to mature. Top Story : Floods in Pakistan. John speculates on Ban Ki-moon's emotional response. Andy explains at 10:15 that the 'ki' in Ban Ki-moon stands for Keith, so his full name is Ban Keith Moon. John and Andy discuss donor fatigue and Andy talks about miserly people at charity fundraising gigs. Traffic Jam in China: Over sixty miles long and lasting more than a week. John points out that Andy is not the most patient person in a traffic jam, and Andy reads his anatomy of a nine-day traffic jam. This week Vladimir Putin shot a whale with a crossbow! John proposes a soft-porn calendar of Putin. Feature Section: The CIA! There are two stories about them this week, but they have been interfering with Andy's young son, so Andy couldn't write them. John steps in: 1) The CIA gave hallucinogenic bread to a French village in the 1950s. 2) The key aide to President Karzai, and other prominent Afghans, are being paid by the CIA. Way to root out corruption in Afghanistan. Email ': The CIA are kicking the Bugle out of the Edinburgh studio. No email or sport! A hero Bugler flew 21 hours on four separate flights to see Andy's Edinburgh show! Hero! Issue 126: Let's talk about peace, baby Link to mp3 The Bugle missed a week due to an unexpected bereavement in Andy's family. Buglers were very supportive after the initial flurry of "Where's our f**king Bugle!!!". Tony Blair's memoirs have been published. Blair wrote candidly about his alcohol use as Prime Minister. John and Andy relate this to the British character and apply it to other past Prime Ministers, and to George W. Bush. They speculate about where Princess Diana is now. Literally and Metaphorically Inflammatory Action News: pastor Terry Jones has postponed his plan to set fire to the Koran. PUN RUN: names of kinds of pasta. Sweary Bugle: Producer Ped has three pages already of things to bleep out. Middle East Peace Talk News: John sings Salt n Pepa's Let's Talk about Sex (his version: Let's Talk about Peace). Producer Ped settles a disagreement about who wrote the song. Bugler John Parsons writes from Auckland: a psycho on the bus misunderstood his laugher at the Bugle and broke his nose. Bugler 'Mazhar Majeed' writes that the Bugle can make big money by making deals with Indian bookmakers. They will pay out if John or Andy says the words 'no ball' in the 3rd, 10th, and 18th minutes of the Bugle. Andy admits to having already done spot-fixing on the Bugle. '''Sport ': golfer Jim Furyk overslept and missed his tee time at the Pro Am. John talks about similar situations, like Pascual Pérez getting lost on the way to the stadium to pitch for the Braves, Ken Griffey Jr missing a chance to pinch-hit when he fell asleep in the Mariners' clubhouse, and the entire British Olympics team nearly losing the opportunity to compete in the 1896 Olympics in Athens due to a Julian/Gregorian calendar mixup. Andy gives a profile of Jim Furyk in the runup to the Ryder Cup. Did somebody mention aliens? Rat plasma? Issue 127: 12 Friends and 1 Champion Link to mp3 Issue 128: UN-couth Link to mp3 Issue 129: Kim Jong Unbelievable Link to mp3 Issue 130: Fire Sale Link to mp3 Issue 131: A Miner Celebration Link to mp3 Issue 132: Massive Cuts Link to mp3 Issue 132 and a bit: Cut for a reason Link to mp3 Issue 132 and an old bit: No Bugle Link to mp3 Issue 133: Backwang Forever Link to mp3 Issue 134: Royal Wedding Souvenir Edition Link to mp3 Issue 135: Kim Jong il-conceived Link to mp3 Issue 136: Do I Not Leak That Link to mp3 Issue 137: Crazies Special Link to mp3 Issue 138: A Christmas Bugle! Link to mp3 Issue 138a: More Old Gold Link to mp3 Issue 138b: Review of 2010 Link to mp3 Issue 139: *Spoiler alert* 2011 Preview Special Link to mp3 -Britain to allow public to submit bills to parliament -Dead bird news -The American ...20:56 Issue 140: The Divorce of a Nation Link to mp3 'Introduction ': Week beginning Monday 17th of January,. Andy says, "This is the last ever Bugle whose number you could score at darts without hitting three trebles, or a combination of trebles and bullseyes!" Producer Chris is back from Australia, where he watched the English cricketers soundly beat the Aussies. This is the anniversary of Captain Scott reaching the South Pole and finding he wasn't the first to get there. Andy re-enacts the event. Sudan is considering splitting into two countries. Belgium has been ungoverned for six months. John and Andy have independently written Belgian waffle jokes. Actor Benoit Waffle has urged Belgians not to shave until there is a government. John suggests that women and children should join in using stick-on beards. News story from Andy about children's entertainer Hattie the Hedgehog. Dubai has fined a wizard who was charging a modest fee to make money rain down from the sky. John and Andy discuss the economic implications. Wizard Factbox. 'Email ': Bugler Danny Scully writes from Washington Height, New York City, about a prison riot in West Sussex in which prisoners burned ten new snooker tables. John and Andy mourn the senseless loss. The importance of Benny Hill music in riot control. Correspondence from Australia. Producers Chris and Tom met up and had some beers, and then some more beers, and then recorded a message for John and Andy. Chris talks about Australian women shouting at their men in public. 'Sport ': Brazilian football player is running late for training, claims he was kidnapped. This is clearly a result of football's diving culture. Andy talks about how to bring higher levels of crime into Formula One. Issue 141: Tunisia is Revolting Link to mp3 Week beginning Monday, 24 Jan 2011. Producer: Chris. 'Introduction ': John has just returned from Texas and is poetically star-struck by barbeque. John: "All I know is this, Andy: if I was a cow, and I knew that I could taste like that, I'd find it very hard to make a coherent case for not being immediately killed and slow-cooked." Andy describes Barack Obama exterminating mice and Arthur Miller's award-winning belch. And Andy sold out an evening at the Soho Theatre for the first time ever, thanks to Buglers! 'In the Bin ': sequels to famous films. 'Top Story ': Tunisia's revolution. President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali and his family have fled the country. John does an impression of David Attenborough. Ben Ali went to Saudi Arabia but his relatives ended up in EuroDisney. Andy talks about the British media's focus on how it affected British holidaymakers. Andy talks about how Tunisians used the internet to affect the revolution and wanders into talking about Hannibal. Lithuania News: Lithuania is rebranding itself with a new fragrance! Unfortunately Andy's ancestors were forced to flee the country, and the perfume doesn't smell of gefilte fish and gunshot. John does some adverts for the scent and looks for a Lithuanian celebrity spokesperson. And what would Britain's scent be? Novelty Tie News: British Conservative MP Nadhim Zahawi had to apologise to the Speaker of the House of Commons when his novelty tie started playing during a debate. Royal Wedding Update: John has his Royal Wedding Advent calendar. Andy: "We are of course the official podcast of the royal wedding." John: "That is unofficially true." Prince William and Kate Middleton are considering asking for charitable contributions in lieu of gifts. Previous royal weddings have involved impressive gifts. Andy and his wife received a large marrow as a gift on their wedding day. '''Emails * Andy: "I would say in response to one email we got, from a Steve O'Gallagher, we will not accept any requests to tell friends of Buglers to go f**k themselves. Not even Steve O'Gallagher's housemate Adam Pollard who he wanted us to tell to go f**k himself. I'm afraid we're not taking--we cannot uncork that magnum of pain! John: "That's a--it's a very dangerous precedent to set, Andy. Andy is not going to become a go-f**k-yourself jukebox for hire." * Belgian Bugler Isabelle writes what makes Belgium great apart from waffles. Andy is having none of it. And Isabelle makes a waffle joke! Corrections # Bugler Shane Dunn writes to correct Andy's statement about darts scoring in episode 140. # Buglers Benoit Waffle and Ophira McDoom call bullshit on Andy's wizards factbox in episode 140: the Washington Wizards are a basketball team, not a baseball team. Andy responds indignantly: "I do my research for these things! I don't just sit there and make shit up!" Sport: The New York Cosmos are back! For a questionable definition of 'back'. Andy draws an analogy with his own career as a professional tennis player. Issue 142: Egypt Erupts Link to mp3 Issue 143: Egypt crisis - a good time to buy a jumper Link to mp3 Issue 144: No Going Mubarak Link to mp3 Issue 144a: Lowlights 2011 Link to mp3 *"Some shit bits that weren't good enough to go on recent shows" - Andy *(19:20) Chris says that Andy and John don't love us as much as he does, and he can "barely, barely hold back the contempt I have for you at the best of times". Fuck you Chris. Issue 145: Libyeah or Libyna Link to mp3 First ever Bugle from Asia, first Bangalore Bugle. British imperialism bit 400 Years to the day since Swiss King Olaf The Weird inadvertently discovered skiing As many Bugles as flavours of ice cream at John the Baptist's 5th birthday party Top Story : Unrest Update; Libyikes! Gaddafi bits "Gaddafi is like Puff Daddy or Madonna, Andy. When you've been in power for as long as he has, you have to keep re-inventing yourself so that you stay relevant and people don't get bored" - John Silvio Berlusconi news (23:45) "We've all got our Hosni Mubarak excuses" - Andy Leadership birthday news (26:20) Robert Mugabe turned 87 this week. Sent a ceremonial 87 "fuck you"s from the rest of the planet Uganda news (28:10) Bugle feature section: travel! (30:05) British imperialism reference Issue 146: Long over-Jew Link to mp3 Issue 146a: Lowerlights 2011 Link to mp3 Issue 147: Man Versus Nature Link to mp3 Issue 147a: Zaltman, live from Dhaka Link to mp3 Issue 147b: More Salztman, live from Dhaka Link to mp3 Issue 148: Mayhem Update Link to mp3 Issue 149: #crucifybieber Link to mp3 World's highest-scoring football match! 147-0, and the entertaining true story of why. Justin Bieber causes diplomatic incident in Israel. Analysis of Bieber lyrics with Israel in mind. Israel's foreign minister flushes a toilet live on air during a radio interview. John thinks this should happen more often. Unrest in Syria. The Economist and its Unrest Index. Czech minister steals a pen. 210-foot penis painted on bridge in St Petersburg wins an award as a work of art! 'Email ': The Bugle is not funny enough to distract a man from his own vasectomy. Andy's bullshit story about a new approach to bullfighting. Second fundraiser featuring Andy's daughter's athletic achievement. Issue 150: Royal Wedding Preview Link to mp3 The royal wedding is nearly here! Also: Happy Good Friday, when Andy's people brought a man to justice. John was in London, and he and Andy went out to eat in Chinatown and had a peppery meal. There are the same number of Bugles as psalms in the Bible! Andy mentions some Psalms that didn't make the cut. Jesus gives a post-crucifixion press conference. The Gospel According to Alvin. Royal wedding! The importance of the event. John sings "Comfortably Numb". Prince Charles has become the longest-serving heir apparent in British history. Andy suggests gifts for the royal couple. The Queen has now met the parents of her future granddaughter-in-law. Andy reports on what the bride will wear. Kate Middleton's family has had a new coat of arms designed. John and Andy don't think much of it, and suggest that Buglers submit designs for the Bugle Coat of Arms. Chris submits a drawing of two sets of cock 'n' balls. Andy makes this into a contest; the prize is a mug from the Royal Wedding of Charles and Diana. People in Wales have the opportunity to write in a guestbook for the royal wedding. John and Andy discuss the importance of having moderators filter what is written. John solicits guestbook entries from Buglers. Royal wedding things bookies are taking bets on: what will be served at the dinner? Andy reports on world leaders' responses to the wedding and tells about special bylaws that only apply on days of royal weddings. The Bugle Archives: 1934, when Prince George of Kent married Princess Marina of Greece and Denmark. Exclusive archival recording from the BBC. 'Email ': No email will be read out that isn't royal wedding related! 'Sport ': No sport, only weddings! Issue 151: Regal Bugle Link to mp3 Issue 152: Compromised to a permanent end Link to mp3 Issue 153: Wake Up, Gaddafi Link to mp3 Issue 154: Keep it in your pants Link to mp3 Issue 155: The Queen is on fire! Link to mp3 Issue 156: Who's Tailin' Palin? Link to mp3 Issue 157: Reacting like a coiled donut Link to mp3 Issue 158: Hot Rod & Dragster Strike Out Link to mp3 Issue 158a: Trully Offal Link to mp3 Issue 159: Everything Must Go! Link to mp3 Issue 160: News Out Of This World Link to mp3 Issue 161: Hacking: A self esteem issue Link to mp3 Issue 162: Making a mountain out of a mountain Link to mp3 Issue 163: Debt To America Link to mp3 Issue 163a: Too Offal Link to mp3 Issue 164: Ich Bin Ein Hulkmaniac Link to mp3 Issue 165: Bashar goes to Madcon 1 Link to mp3 Issue 166: Gaddafi's Last Bugle? Link to mp3 Issue 166a: We're back, Andy Link to mp3 Issue 166b: This offal tastes funny Link to mp3 Issue 166g: Offal Edinburgher Link to mp3 Issue 167: Berlusconi: Hard to swallow Link to mp3 Leaders Special #1: Silvio Berlusconi Link to mp3 Leaders Special #2L Mahmood Ahmadinejad Link to mp3 Issue 168: Streets of Rage Link to mp3 Issue 169: Captain Crazy corks it Link to mp3 Issue 170: It's time to ban slap bass Link to mp3 Issue 171: A Greek Tragedy link to mp3 Issue 172: Berlusconi bows out Link to mp3 Issue 173: Techno! Techno! Technocrat! Link to mp3 Issue 173a: Turkey Offal Link to mp3 Issue 174: Britain's Back Baby! Link to mp3 Issue 175: Putin the boot in Link to mp3 Issue 176: Deep Space Nine Link to mp3 The Best of 2011: Part 1 Link to mp3 The Best of 2011: Part 2 Link to mp3 Issue 177: Weapons of mass election Link to mp3 Issue 178: The Final Countdown Link to mp3